everything in this world is relative. especially our perception of happiness. too many what ifs. not enough rolling of the dice. too much fear of the result and not enough faith in resilience within the human spirit.
ive chosen to roll the dice quite often over the past 6 months. and what ive learned and gained has been the best gift i could have hoped for. still a long way to go up that mountain. but the view is only getting better.
we're going to find ourselves on the mat more often in life compared to the times we find ourselves victorious, arms held high. but behind the bruised and scratched and weary you find a story and you find beauty.
and we can never truly be in control of the direction of things. sometimes you really do have to just surrender to gravity and place your faith in the human spirit.
28 years. and I honestly wonder how many more I have left.
I will choke until I swallow. Life is just as much a battle as ever. i guess i'll never accept those forces against me which I cannot control. And as I get older I'm becoming more accepting of being a slave for the rest of my life.
Rest your trigger on my finger, bang my head upon the fault line. I guess I should take solace in the fact that I still feel; still unable to be go completely numb. Maybe the force isnt something on the outside. It very well lies deep within me.
Slipping back into the gap again. It's a constant circle. And its all just meant to be a reminder that you've got to have some sort of hope. When I'm alive I can touch the sky. But it's a constant circle.
But i'd trade it all for just a little piece of mind. It's that discovery and that awareness and that promise that keeps me going. The suffering wouldnt exist without some reward.
just remember I will always love you, even as I tear your fucking throat away. but it will end no other way. inner demons. the battle may go on for eternity. tell me this is growth. tell me this is an awakening. when that day comes, which side will end up being right?
Survival is my only friend. Terrified of what may come.
for some time now ive felt like i was being pulled in a certain direction. but i couldnt quite figure out why or exactly what i was supposed to do. to put it another way, i dont think i was interpreting things in the right way. it was just that it seemed like so many things were providing clues as to the future.
i think i may have finally figured out the who's and why's so i acted. now its a waiting game. but at least i can say that im still roling the dice and saving nothing for another day. and i feel so fucking alive.
there are a handful of songs that have been firmly planted in my head for some time now. every day they are there - a diverse collection that i never would have thought had any connection. just some good tunes to get me through the days.
songs that ive heard enough to have their words tattooed to my brain. but i never took the time to really look at the words. until recently. im starting to see a connection. a message. an answer. a meaning.
call me fucking crazy. ive always ALWAYS had a tendency toward feeling like we're all here for something bigger than a 9-5. and so ive always ALWAYS been inclined to find purpose in the most trivial of things. but lately its like all the dots ive been trying to connect are forming lines before my very eyes.
im an aquarian, its my nature right? to be "airy" and constantly think with my head in the clouds. but if you could only see the view from up here. for all the things i see right now, i could make a believer out of anyone.
i hope someday I'll get beyond being amazed at how easily people can pinpoint me as the root of their past unhappiness. Or maybe immaturity will rule forever and as i recall, no one held a gun to your head. if anything, the direction of this petty grudge holding should be pointed towards you.
maybe this is just the final way you have left to try to hurt me. or maybe by pretending that i'm some example of all that is wrong with humanity and that i'm not worth any simple respect from you, you're just continuing what you started long ago.
my opinion of you was never less than ideal, despite your overbearing and intruding lack of respect for us. my blame and my finger pointing is directed inward. i let you walk on me while you kept me around for comfort far too long. i had a dream of building something. you just needed someone to prop up your insecure and fragile existence.
i could take the angry path i suppose. claim you're a whore or a bitch or whatever other overused word. but anger isnt really a dominating emotion in my life anymore. neither is fear of not having your approval. what consumes me when thinking about you now is what your point is. you'd probably claim that i'm dead to you. so why play games with yourself? we all heal in different ways though, right? but changing the core of ourselves is a lifelong battle.
i accepted long ago that im the type that over analyzes everything. so these thoughts are surely no surprise to you. so, i guess you've won again, my dear.
you may think i look the same. but i promise you, who i was and who i am now are very far apart. while you've had your head in the sand, i realized that constant personal growth is the only way i can find the happiness i want out of life. so i ask questions without fear of the answer. i honestly evaluate who i am, what i've done, where i'm going, and the impact i have on those around me. and, you'll be happy to hear, im finally at a place where i can honestly say i have confidence in who i am. i wonder how if you'd be able to give an honest assessment of yourself, especially when considering you left me with nothing but lies.
as ive noted in the past, i am hurt, so i guess you can add that to your win column too. but this goes beyond romance and relationships. it hurts seeing someone you had so much respect for and held as a great example for everyone to follow turn out to be a nothing but a fake.
i wonder if its tearing you apart on the inside. all of the lies and fake smiles and pretending to be something youre simply not. or maybe you've become so good at lying to yourself that your fantasies have become what you interpret as reality.
but thanks for allowing me to spend a good hour of my night on self reflection. life has gotten so busy lately that its hard to squeeze in. love you. xoxo
it took some time, but when you said farewell, you meant it. it certainly feels strange to feel so heartbroken about losing a friend. but in the end, just as it was all along, your words were lies. another set of broken promises.
call it growing up. call it the reaction of a person backed into a corner. i'll move forward calling it the act of a coward and small person.
everyone - and the list is long - is better off. but just remember that anything built on lies will fail.
and yes, im claiming that im free from blame this time. im not the one that turned their back. im not the one that constantly needed something better to feel adequate.
deep down is where my faith in humanity exists. i believe that someday we'll all stop this fruitless searching and appreciate the beauty that surrounds us. someday we'll realize that happiness is right beside us and has been all along. we'll realize that all that's missed or ignored or discounted along the way. i really do have faith in humanity. i realize we all desire fulfillment. but i wonder if anyone knows when they are truly content? has life become a non-stop race for bigger and better, in the name of 'perfection'? but who i am to define 'perfection' for anyone but myself?
Through the Tempest, Shakespeare said 'What's past is prologue.' Guided by that, I've certainly become a more positive person. My energy for life is derived from the ability to shape my future. And any frustration or angst that comes my way results from all of these things around me that I want to spin in my direction - my version of perfection. I just hate being such a stubborn and impatient son of a bitch.
theres also another quote that says something along the lines of 'if you truly love something, you must be able to set it free' i think we can, and must, apply that to ourselves at times. for me, i see the day is getting closer. and maybe that freedom is perfection.
do you ever have those instances of really feeling alive? of being surrounded by beauty? they can strike at the oddest of times and in the oddest of places. maybe those instances are a glimpse of perfection.
but what is perfection? is it the same as happiness? is it the same as fulfillment?
i need an answer to all of my questions in life. but what i think i need more than that is someone who can simply remind me not to take life so seriously all the time.